Thursday, May 12, 2011

A Year

I look back at how much has happened since I wrote this post. Today would be one year since my due date with the baby that we lost. People used to tell me "when you get pregnant again, and have that baby, you will think about how you wouldn't have that baby if you didn't lose the other one". I see the point, obviously, that I wouldn't have Parker and Cooper if I had a baby last May. But really, I can't help but think about that baby. I look at a few of my friends kids who are turning one this month and wonder what my one-year-old would look like. What would he sound like? What would she like to do? What would this past year have been like? Everyone deals with the loss of a pregnancy differently, and at this point, while the raw pain is pretty much gone, the sadness never will be.

One of my biggest prayers answered was to be pregnant by my due date last year. The nine months from losing that pregnancy to having a successful pregnancy were long, and hard, and emotional, and probably one of the worst years of my life. The process of trying-to-conceive really isn't fun. It's really not. Unless you are among those who can get pregnant successfully on the first try, the unkown of the process is enough to drive a person mad - both in the crazy and angry sense of the word. Thee days after my due date last year I woke up with this:

Even after months of trying. Even after fertility treatments. Even after longing and aching for another pregnancy. I was terrified. I wrote this very optimistically, and honestly, I was trying to be as positive as possible, but I was terrified. The thought of losing another baby was excruciating. Never in my dreams or visions of my life could I have imagined what we were in store for. Twins. Two babies. And while my twin boys will be 5 months old tomorrow, I still am in shock and amazement, and total disbelief, at least once per day. I know that seems odd, because, come on, I had two babies, but I still am literally in DISBELIEF that I have TWO BABIES. I just stare at them, shaking my head thinking to myself "I can't believe I have two babies...".

Two babies are so much better than one. I get two sets of eyes looking at me in the morning. I have two little heads resting on my chest before I go to sleep at night. I have four little chubby cheeks, and four little rolly thighs to smooch and nibble on each day. And two sets of giggles.

The past year has been amazing. Being pregnant with two babies was by far the biggest challenge I will ever put my body through, but I did it. And these babies are beautiful, and perfect, and while my life is so chaotic and I really never sit for too long, my prayers were answered. Blessed.

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