A Year

I look back at how much has happened since I wrote this post. Today would be one year since my due date with the baby that we lost. People used to tell me "when you get pregnant again, and have that baby, you will think about how you wouldn't have that baby if you didn't lose the other one". I see the point, obviously, that I wouldn't have Parker and Cooper if I had a baby last May. But really, I can't help but think about that baby. I look at a few of my friends kids who are turning one this month and wonder what my one-year-old would look like. What would he sound like? What would she like to do? What would this past year have been like? Everyone deals with the loss of a pregnancy differently, and at this point, while the raw pain is pretty much gone, the sadness never will be.

One of my biggest prayers answered was to be pregnant by my due date last year. The nine months from losing that pregnancy to having a successful pregnancy were long, and hard, and emotional, and probably one of the worst years of my life. The process of trying-to-conceive really isn't fun. It's really not. Unless you are among those who can get pregnant successfully on the first try, the unkown of the process is enough to drive a person mad - both in the crazy and angry sense of the word. Thee days after my due date last year I woke up with this:

Even after months of trying. Even after fertility treatments. Even after longing and aching for another pregnancy. I was terrified. I wrote this very optimistically, and honestly, I was trying to be as positive as possible, but I was terrified. The thought of losing another baby was excruciating. Never in my dreams or visions of my life could I have imagined what we were in store for. Twins. Two babies. And while my twin boys will be 5 months old tomorrow, I still am in shock and amazement, and total disbelief, at least once per day. I know that seems odd, because, come on, I had two babies, but I still am literally in DISBELIEF that I have TWO BABIES. I just stare at them, shaking my head thinking to myself "I can't believe I have two babies...".

Two babies are so much better than one. I get two sets of eyes looking at me in the morning. I have two little heads resting on my chest before I go to sleep at night. I have four little chubby cheeks, and four little rolly thighs to smooch and nibble on each day. And two sets of giggles.

The past year has been amazing. Being pregnant with two babies was by far the biggest challenge I will ever put my body through, but I did it. And these babies are beautiful, and perfect, and while my life is so chaotic and I really never sit for too long, my prayers were answered. Blessed.

Night in the McGowan house

Me: "I feel like if we just had one baby, we would be bored..."

Brian: "Well, I'd be sitting down".

He's gotta point.

It was dinner time, and I had just gotten back from my first outside run since the babies were born. I am not gonna lie, I almost threw up. But, you have to start back somewhere. So I am still in my running garb and sat at the table next to Logan and this was our conversation:

Logan: "Mommy, did you know that we do not wear jackets in the house?"

Me: "Well, Logan, this is a sweatshirt, not a jacket."

Logan: "Well, Mommy, it looks like a jacket, and we don't wear jackets in this house. If I tell you it's a jacket, it's a jacket, and if I tell you we don't wear jackets in the house you just need to listen to me."

Um... hmmmm...

And just now, I look over and see this:

ON THE MOVE!

About 4 minutes ago Parker showed his best rolling skills... Rolled from back to tummy, back to back again, to tummy to back to tummy to back. You follow? Bottom line is this kid knows how to get to where he wants to go. HOW is this going to fast?!

The Twinkies

Back when I was pregnant with the twins, I was thinking ahead to the month of May. May has so much significance for me for so many reasons, and last fall, it just seemed so far away. We still had so much to face and experience. But... here we are, the 2nd of May, and my twins are almost 5 months old. I just can't believe it. I don't often enough have time to sit down and recount all of the changes and growth with my sweet baby boys, or my sweet big boy, but I think more important than documenting is to soak in each minute I can. I breathe in my babes every day. I make sure to say "I love you" more times per day than I can count, and I savor each sweet smile I get from my boys. I wondered how I would have enough time, or love, for 3 kids, but the worry was for nothing. I have so much more to give.

My sweet Parker and Cooper are getting so big. At their 4 Month Well Check-up they were 12lbs 13oz, and 13lbs respectively. More amazingly, they are hitting all the milestones of full-term 4 month olds. Preemie, what?! Way to go, you fighters. They are tracking, holding up their heads, rolling over, shifting and scooting, smiling and laughing, and being all around awesome. Have I mentioned that two babies is so much better than one? It is. It so, totally is.

Parker is spunky, which is why he is called Punky. I am pretty sure he will answer to Punky before he learns his name is Parker. Oops. He has the best laugh, and will smile at anyone who looks at him, even an inanimate stuffed animal. Likewise, he is sensitive, and has the most sad cry ever. So sad, that at his 4 Month Check, the nurse who was trying to weigh him was so heartbroken about his sad cry while being weighed that she couldn't handle it, and actually weighed herself on the large scale, and picked him up and weighed again to find his weight. Um, I do believe the Punky won that round. Parker-1, Nurse-0. Parker has discovered his voice and belts out these massively loud high pitch screeches. He is so happy. He loves to sleep and will just take a nap, mid-play, on the play-mat. Hmmmm... sounds like his Dad. Parker is sleeping about 8-9 hours stretch of sleep at night, and wakes up smiling, happy and ready for the day.

Cooper is still my gentle soul. He is content curled up on my chest, just as he was when he was little. He loves to nurse, nap in my arms, and hold his brother's hand. Cooper has a low-growly giggle that seems to take all his energy, and for that, I am grateful every time I get a giggle out of his tiny body. He loves to "talk" and has this sweet gurgly babble that means so much for me to hear. Like I said, I had a hard time imagining this stage when I was watching them in the NICU, hour after hour, wondering if the "NICU fog" would ever lift. Cooper is a bit more temperamental, and doesn't like to wait for food or snuggles. Otherwise, he is content. They both are, and I realize how lucky we are. These babies make having twins easy. The Coop-man is sleeping about 6-7 hours a night, sometimes a little more, but wakes up usually between 3 and 5am to have a quick snack, and goes right back to sleep. I am cool with this. Both babies are still snuggled in little nest-like bassinets next to my side of the bed and I have no intention of changing that anytime soon.

In April I had one of my biggest parenting challenges - an entire week of single-mom while Brian was out of town for work, immediately followed by a 4 hour car trip with 3 kids. Whew. We survived, and while Brian was gone, I even managed to shower EVERY DAY. Win. Total win. It was rough, and I was more than happy when Brian was home, but somehow I managed to survive all day with my three, plus two daycare kids, and all evening by myself. Thankful for helpful neighbors who gave me a short break one of the evenings so that I wasn't found rocking in a corner somewhere babbling to myself about breast pumps and laundry.

Being a mom of twins is so amazing. I am so grateful to be able to be with them everyday. I know these babies better than anyone, and I truly feel honored to have this role. Nobody else can say that about these three boys of mine, and I feel so much pride in how well they are doing. I love that I can hear a grunt from across the house and know, without a doubt, which baby it was. I know them THAT WELL, and well, it's my job.

Turned out to be a very expensive trip...

A year ago this week Brian and I were doing this:

While looking at this in Myrtle Beach.

And this was our souvenir.

Turned out to be a pretty pricey vacation!

In need of some adult interaction

What do text messages look like when your husband is out of town, and you spend 24 hours a day with toddlers and babies, and very minimal adult interaction?

This.

8:00 am - Cade's not here yet.

8:06 am - Nevermind.

8:07 am - I got new bathroom soap. Foam kind again. Logan said "Mommy that red soap just wasn't working for me."

3:02 pm - Kiwi birds are so weird.

4:15 pm - Logan said "Eliza there's the perfect soap in the bathroom for you to use". Bwahahahaha!

4:20 pm - He really hated that other soap.

5:00 pm -Hello?

FINALLY a reply from my husband...

5:17 pm - Hello I'll call you shortly

5:22 pm -Okey Donkey (auto correct...)

Double Doody

Now truly believe in a twin language. Even at the ripe ol' age of 3 months Parker and Cooper have some sort of Twinkie-ESP. This is the only way to explain how the two of them will go DAYS without pooping, then will suddenly both poop within an hour of each other. I mean... wow.

Also, WHY did it take me this long to realize that Cooper's best nickname is Scoop Doggy Dog. I mean... for real.

Finally, the like for Rachael Ray is hereditary. Cooper will be joining Logan and I at the 3 o'clock hour for some EVOO.

And one more thing, Parker will smile the largest most grateful smile in all the land if you just look at him. Just look at those sweet blue eyes and he will reward you with the most fabulous of gigantic smiles. Can't beat that.