I follow the blog of Kelle Hampton - Enjoying the Small Things. She has such a positive outlook on life. Every day. She is a fantastic writer and an amazing photographer. I have really taken a lot from reading her posts, but something I read today put in words something I have felt since the moment I found out I was pregnant with Logan.
But, here's the thing. Once you become a parent...once you start feeling a little funny and you buy that pregnancy test...once you see a pink plus sign...once you know it's not just you anymore...well, you automatically carry around, for the rest of your life, an increased likelihood. To have your heart broken. And it's a constant fear that we struggle to put to rest.
And we can choose to be afraid or we can choose to live.
And I choose to live.
Ain't that the truth, mama. I keep waiting for the worry to end. But it never will. It is our job. As parents. And we can choose to let it swallow us whole, or we can choose to embrace it as the part of parenthood that makes us whole because it just shows how damn much we love our kids.
Kelle is right. It starts when the stick has two lines, or those bold letters that spell "Pregnant". You would think that something of this magnitude would elicit streamers and balloons to shoot out of the side of the stick. I mean, it is the moment when you as a person will change forever. The lack of streamers and parade means that you are just left with that word to process while you are sitting on the toilet in your bathroom. It is amazing to me that even though Brian and I had been trying for a year to get pregnant with baby #2, we were doing fertility drugs, wishing and hoping each month... still after all of that, getting the positive pregnancy test gave me an instant flutter. And instant worry. A brief moment of thinking "Oh God, I am pregnant. Now what?".
What I have learned being Logan's mom is that I can worry each day about the small things. Or, I can watch him play with his friends and share each moment of each day with him as he soaks in the world around him. That sounds much more fun to me.