Parenthood

I follow the blog of Kelle Hampton - Enjoying the Small Things. She has such a positive outlook on life. Every day. She is a fantastic writer and an amazing photographer. I have really taken a lot from reading her posts, but something I read today put in words something I have felt since the moment I found out I was pregnant with Logan.

But, here's the thing. Once you become a parent...once you start feeling a little funny and you buy that pregnancy test...once you see a pink plus sign...once you know it's not just you anymore...well, you automatically carry around, for the rest of your life, an increased likelihood. To have your heart broken. And it's a constant fear that we struggle to put to rest.

And we can choose to be afraid or we can choose to live.

And I choose to live.

Ain't that the truth, mama. I keep waiting for the worry to end. But it never will. It is our job. As parents. And we can choose to let it swallow us whole, or we can choose to embrace it as the part of parenthood that makes us whole because it just shows how damn much we love our kids.

Kelle is right. It starts when the stick has two lines, or those bold letters that spell "Pregnant". You would think that something of this magnitude would elicit streamers and balloons to shoot out of the side of the stick. I mean, it is the moment when you as a person will change forever. The lack of streamers and parade means that you are just left with that word to process while you are sitting on the toilet in your bathroom. It is amazing to me that even though Brian and I had been trying for a year to get pregnant with baby #2, we were doing fertility drugs, wishing and hoping each month... still after all of that, getting the positive pregnancy test gave me an instant flutter. And instant worry. A brief moment of thinking "Oh God, I am pregnant. Now what?".

What I have learned being Logan's mom is that I can worry each day about the small things. Or, I can watch him play with his friends and share each moment of each day with him as he soaks in the world around him. That sounds much more fun to me.

Bestest Friends

Logan: No Nile you are not my friend, you are Robin's friend.

Me: Logan, Nile can be your friend too! That is is great things about friends, you can share them with everyone.

Logan: But Mommy YOU are my friend. You are my bestest friend.

4 Years

Today Brian and I celebrated four years of marriage! Today was also the day that my best friend brought her little boy into the world! That is going to be a different post - a whole post dedicated to sweet Baby Jack!

All day today I remembered what I was doing four years ago right at that moment. This morning I thought about getting my hair done, this afternoon about saying our vows, this evening about taking pictures throughout the campus and enjoying ourselves at our reception. So much has happened in four years, good and bad, but most importantly Brian and I have grown closer together than we could have ever imagined. Together we created a beautiful baby boy, and now another on the way. How amazing is that?

Brian surprised me over lunch by bringing me home a gorgeous vase of flowers. What a wonderful husband! We enjoyed dinner at Three Samurai - cooked, preggo-friendly sushi for me, a plate of raw fish for Brian, and a whole bunch of yummy goodness for the boy. Logan had split pea soup (homemade that I took with us because the kid loves split pea soup), tofu, sweet potato and carrot tempura, salmon, and sushi! My boy grabbed the sushi with his little fingers and just went to town. A boy after my own heart. You know you frequent a restaurant when the server says "Oh yea, I remember you guys, this is the kid that likes the bowls of miso soup with extra tofu!". Yep, that's my boy!

Happy Anniversary, Brian. I love you more than you know. You are my partner, my best friend, my lover, and the best father I know. Thank you for marrying me.

Another January Baby!

Last Friday I had my monthly Clomid exam. It was ridiculous. I got to the office and they lost my appointment. They just didn't have an appointment for me. The had to fit me in since I was a Clomid patient, but that meant an hour wait in the waiting room, followed by another hour wait wearing a paper sheet in the exam room, only to find out that the doctor wasn't even told I was in the room! Like I said, ridiculous.

But then, last Saturday, May 15th I woke up and got this:



I couldn't stop crying. I was 11 days post ovulation at that point, and just had such a wonderful feeling about a positive digital test so early in the game! I went in for a blood test Monday morning and had an HCG level in the high 170's, and a repeat test Wednesday showed high 370's. The blood tests are very reassuring, and the numbers were great.

I am amazed that we are going to have another January baby! My due date is 1/23/11. We are thinking positive, sticky thoughts for our little bean. We go in two weeks from tomorrow for our first ultrasound to see our baby's heartbeat. I am trying to be patient, but that is very hard for me! I just cannot wait!

This week our baby's heart will start beating. Pregnancy is just so amazing to me. I can't wait to know who I have in there. Logan keeps referring to the baby as his "Baby Sister". We should know for sure sometime in August!

Telephone game

Have you ever played that "telephone game" with a two-year-old? Pure magic.

This is how it went tonight:

Me: "Logan, tell Daddy that Parenting Magazine says that you should start potty-training between 27 and 32 months".

Logan: (to Daddy) "Roar!" (Then runs back to me).

Me: "Logan, tell Daddy that my magazine says that you need to start potty-training between 27 and 32 months".

Logan: (to Daddy) "Daddy. Choo-choo train, twenty-one."

See? Magic.

Due Date

Today is my Due Date. 40 weeks. 9 months. That is how long it has been. The emotions of losing the baby that would have been due today is still raw - just as raw as the day I knew it was happening. Today we will not be cuddling our new baby. We will not be signing a birth certificate or giving our new little a name. I will not smell that newborn baby smell, or bond with our freshly baked babe. We will not be introducing Logan to his new sibling and breathing in the moment of watching our boy become a big brother. Today is my Due Date, but today is not the day.

I thought today would be excruciating. I thought I would feel like I am walking through fog. However, even though I am panged by a bit of sadness for what today could have brought, I am also feeling a sense of hope. I am hopeful that soon, we will be planning for our second child. As raw as the pain is, I am grateful for what I have.

This past Sunday was Mother's Day. It was a beautiful day in the middle of a bunch of yucky-weather days. My mom was here visiting, an as it always is when she is here, it was wonderful to have her. We went to church with The Jordan family and really enjoyed the people, the atmosphere, and the message of the day. All about Mom. We enjoyed brunch, the girls (moms) enjoyed a chick flick at the theatre, and we ended the night with a wonderful, Daddy-grilled dinner of steak, champagne, and chocolate covered strawberries. And let's not forget my gift...





I love my necklace so much. I love my boy even more.

Last night after a day of cuddling my sweet boy who is suffering from a nasty case of croup, he showed me that Mom is his #1. I mean, don't get me wrong, he loves his Daddy very much, but he is a Mommy's Boy at heart. I was getting dinner together and Brian was using the computer. Logan kept telling him "No! Daddy! That is Mommy's puter! Put it back!". He didn't give up until "Mommy's puter" was back where it goes (since everything in this house has a place ;). Then at dinner, Brian ate a piece of food off my plate and Logan gave him the stink-eye and said "Daddy, don't eat Mommy's dinner!". Kid has got my back... fo sho...

So today I may not be cuddling a new baby. I won't be picking out a going home outfit, or getting out all those newborn essentials from storage. But what I will be doing is counting all of my blessings, and let me tell you, I have a lot.

Lunch

Today for lunch I decided to whip up something a little different. The kids love beans, and they love tuna salad... so... do you see where I am going with this? I came up with Dill Tuna Salad with Navy Beans. Yum.

One can tuna (in water) drained
One can navy beans, drained and rinsed
lemon juice
dill
mayo
greek yogurt
sea salt
coarse black pepper

Mix tuna and beans. Add 1 tsp. mayo and 1 tsp greek yogurt and mix gently. Add a splash of lemon juice (or more if you like), and a sprinkle of sea salt, a dash of coarse black pepper, and about a palm full of dill. Mix together, spoon on a plate and serve with Back to Nature Sesame Tarragon crackers, a side of mashed cauliflower, and a fruit of choice. This was a definite crowd pleaser today with all the kids, and by far, Logan's favorite.

After lunch Logan was sitting in the chair looking at his new favorite book: Baby Dolphin that my mom and dad picked up for him while visiting the aquarium in Chicago. Logan called me over and pointed to the dolphin's tail and said:
"Mom, that is the dolphin's fluke"

Why, yes son... yes it is you smarty pants.

Raise your hand if you love two-year-olds!

???

I handed Logan a book to look at. A book that we have read 789678907 times.

He looked at it for a minute. Opened it to the first page. Closed it. Turned it over. Furrowed his brow and said, "What is this? I don't know this book".

Vacation

Brian and I spent 4 1/2 days lounging by the pool, walking on the beach, eating amazing food, and sleeping for 10 hours straight. We took a relaxing, and much needed vacation to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. We met wonderfully nice people, ate seafood and sushi like no body's business, and rocked out to some 80's classics at the coolest dueling piano bar. I literally read for 8 hours straight... every day. It was more than amazing and exactly what we needed to recharge our batteries.

While we were gone, Logan spent the days with Grandma and Grandpa; playing, learning, laughing, and visiting family. I know he had a wonderful time! We missed him SO much, however, and I could hardly contain my excitement as our plane taxied into O'Hare. We actually had a nice, relaxing weekend at home to finish off our vacation, and Logan proved how much he had grown over the previous week by busting out some mad skilz on his tricycle!

Here are some highlights from the trip:


















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