Dear Logan,

It is currently 8:57pm and you should be sleeping... but you are not. Instead you are in your bed, with the lights off, making up your own versions of songs - very similar to how your Uncle Keenan makes up his versions of songs when he doesn't know the words.

The song you are singing right now is to the tune of "Twinkle, Twinkle", and I know this because every few verses of the song you throw in a "twinkle, twinkle". The rest of it goes like this:

"eight, nine, ten, nineteen, twelve, thriiiiiirtttteeen! Up above the world so high, twinkle twinkle little star! One, two, three, four, five, six seven".

Beautiful honey!

Thomas: It's NOT for lunch

Today for lunch I made the kids whole grain flatbreads with homemade hummus, sugarsnap peas, applesauce and cottage cheese. I always tell them what I am making them, and today when I told them, Logan looked horrified and said "we eating Thomas?!". Poor kid, he was probably picturing beloved Thomas the Train all cut up on his plate. I told him "no, honey, HUMMUS!". Overall, the hummus was a hit and each kid had about 3 servings. No Thomas for lunch!

Just some cute.

A minute...

Dear Logan,

It really amazes me how much you learn in a week. Really, in just a week. One of your many new learned skills is bargaining. This cracks me up because, really, this just shows how much you are my son. And it drives your Dad a little crazy... a reason to love it even more.

For example, tonight you wanted to watch a movie.
Logan: "Mommy, a movie pleeeeeeease!"
Me: "No Logan, not right now, we have to go upstairs."
Logan: "Pleaaaase a movie for a minute!"

Yep, the "For a minute", "In a minute", and "For a bit" or "Just a bit" pretty much end each of your sentences lately. Cracks. Me. Up.

On a sweeter note, you are adorable when you sneeze. Not the actually sneeze itself (although, let's face it, at least you don't sneeze like Grandma Claudia! "Aaaaaahhhchoooooeeeeeeeeeee!!"), it is what happens AFTER you sneeze that is so cute:
Logan: SNEEZE
Me: "Oh! Bless you Logan!"
Logan: "Thank you Mommy!"

Melt.

Along with that, you have gotten good at your "Please", "Thank you" and "You're welcome". Damn good. So good that I listen to you and your friends have conversations. Someone will drop a toy, you will pick it up, they will say "Thank you!", and you will reply "You're welcome!". You do this every time. I know it seems trivial, but I think it is amazing because we taught you that!

Thanks for the Mommy Sammich tonight, and for "hugging my back". You're the best.

Love, Mom

Afternoon Snuggle

Yesterday afternoon after playing outside in the gorgeous spring air, Logan snuggled up in the "big chair", as he refers, and asked to be covered with Mommy's blankie... He instantly melted into the chair with a book, the blankie, and looking adorable.

A good man...

Last night my husband came home with a bottle of Clomid (round two, here we come), a bottle of Merlot, and a carton of ice cream with the word "chocolate" numerously stated within the description of goodness. I knew I married him for a reason.

These are a few of my favorite things...

A fun lunch for a random weekday for my boy who loves his letters... Some sweet new shades... And some kickass artwork made the first time using glue.

It really is the small things in life...

* Like "Logan Sandwiches". Each night before bed I hold Logan in my arms and he will ask for a Logan Sandwich. Brian will bear-hug his arms around me with Logan smooshed in the middle. Next comes the Mommy Sandwich, and ends with Daddy Sandwich. It is the new way that we end our day, and I have to say, it puts the biggest smile on my face.

* Hair twirling. Not my own, but Logan's. I will twirl his hair in my fingers while he is sitting on my lap looking at a book, or watching a video, and I just take in the colors of the stands of his hair, the way it falls into place, and the way that he will find my hand to continue to twirl if I stop.

* Loving to the Moon and Back.

Lindsey Litton sent me a link to this birth story. It is raw emotion. Love and heartache in one tiny moment. I cried copious amounts of tears reading this blog, that I am glad I was sitting alone on my couch.

We need to remind ourselves each day that is really is the small things in life that make the moments where we feel like we can no longer breathe a little bit easier to take in.

Coping...

... or trying to. It is hard. It is so, so hard. Coping with infertility doesn't get easier with time, it gets harder. On any given day, I go through a host of feelings. Loss, grief, anger, heartache, anguish, acceptance, hope, fear. The "two week wait" as it is referred to, is the time between ovulation and waiting to take a pregnancy test. This time is probably the most conflicting for me personally. During this time I analyze each cramp, ache, twinge, headache, and on and on. I compare each feeling to months past. How do these feelings compare to the months when I was pregnant? How do they compare to how I felt when I was pregnant with Logan? With my baby in August? It is enough to drive a person crazy, and yet, I work extremely hard each day to not go crazy. Part of keeping my sanity, is being able to say these feelings and thoughts out loud. Or type them. This is a double-edged sword, however, because voicing these thoughts, worries, feelings, and frustrations elicit responses from the people I tell them to. It is human nature to try to help. To advise. To try to relate. But sometimes, just saying "This really sucks", "I am here for you", or "Thanks for updating me, I am thinking positive thoughts for you" is ALL. I. NEED. Period.

Recently I have been researching ways to cope with infertility and I came across this article. I found it interesting, because frankly, it made me realize that when I often feel frustrated by the things that people say to me regarding my infertility issues, this confirmed that I am not a bitch. I have found myself frustrated by things people say to me to try to make me feel better, and this makes me feel even worse because I then feel guilty for feeling that way towards those who I know are just trying to help. While I know that everything said to me has come from love, good intentions, and warm hearts, some things are just not the right thing to say. Just as there isn't a handbook on how to deal with infertility and loss, there isn't a handbook on how to deal with a friend dealing with infertility and loss, because every person is different, and every situation is different. Unless you are in those shoes, there is no way to know exactly what the person feels, thinks, or what it is that you can say to them to make it better. Sometimes, the person dealing with the issue just wants to vent, or pass along new information about where they are at in the process, without advice. I would say, for me, that telling me that the loss of my baby is "God's will", or that "something was wrong", is like salt in the wound. To me it is saying that something is wrong with ME, or that God is telling me that I am not capable of being a good enough mother for that baby that I lost. Some people say "Just look at how lucky you are to have ONE baby". Yes. I am undoubtedly lucky to be a mother to a beautiful son, but I also wanted that baby that I lost. Telling me not to worry, or not to stress about it is frustrating to me because it makes me feel like what I am saying and feeling and doing is wrong or bad; that I am causing our infertility by thinking about it too much. Unless you are in my shoes, you just can't know what it is like.

The author of the above linked article, Dayna Noffke says it best when she wrote:
"The best thing that you can say when I am having a hard time is simply, "I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Do you want to talk about it? Can I help you somehow?" More often than not, I can talk about it for a few minutes, feel better and get on with my day. And I will always do the same for you when you need it."

I hope that by writing this others can be helped in similar situations. I hope that another mother dealing with loss or infertility can read this and know that she is not alone in those feelings of frustration and solitude. I also hope that writing this can help friends of those dealing with grief know the right things to say. The support of my friends and family has been unending, and a million times appreciated.

Dear Logan,

You have recently made me laugh for the following reasons:

* You hide "Cuckoos" in your pockets. Yep, I said Cuckoos. Like the bird. And the clock. It is your new "thing". They are invisible little birdies that you hide in your pockets and try to catch.

* You POOPED IN THE TOILET for the first time EVER tonight! And no, it was not with Daddy! It was with me. Mommy. ME! I cried. Who cries when their kid poops in the toilet? I blame hormones. You were shocked that you did this. You stood up, looked in the potty SHOCKED, and asked "Mommy! What is THAT?!". That my friend, is a turd. YAY!

* Tonight you talked yourself to sleep for an hour. You said "Mommy" on repeat for about 20 minutes. You sang some Twinkle Twinkle. Just as we thought it was quiet, we hear, "Mommy-Daddy? Mommy-Daddy? Anybody there?!". We couldn't help but laugh. Hard.

* Today we went to the library for Toddler Reading time. You are really becoming so much more comfortable in new places, and it makes me so proud! You sang and danced. You interacted with other kids. You had SO much fun, and talked about it all the way home: "Mommy, I LIKE the library!"

Thank you for making me laugh everday. I am so lucky to be home with you everyday, get to see all these moments, and be your best friend. Don't ever change who you are.

Love, Mom

What do you expect?!

Did you really think I was going to be able to resist putting his hair in a ponytail? Really?