I know I usually dedicate blog posts to Logan, the funny things he does, stories about spiders... but I started this blog, and continue to maintain it, as a tool for my family to go back and remember times in our lives; both good and bad. Those of us with children know how fast it goes, and how easy it is to forget those "little things". Being a parent, as rewarding and amazing as it is, is not easy. The journey of parenthood doesn't start when the baby is born, or even when you find out you are pregnant. For me, the journey of parenthood started when I realized that what I want to be in this world, more than anything else I could imagine, is a Mother. Luckily for me, I have the most brilliant, beautiful, kind, and funny child to mother ;). OK, slightly biased I know, but as a Mom, don't we all feel this way?
When Brian and I decided to start our family I was ready. Right. That. Second. And, like many trying to conceive situations, it didn't happen right that second. It took us a few months, but nothing out of the ordinary. I got my positive pregnancy test, a few days later the "morning"(all day) sickness began, and from there on I counted the days, weeks, and months until Logan graced us with his presence. My pregnancy wasn't easy, but it wasn't hard. I didn't love every minute of it, but I was always grateful.
We fast forward to the summer of 2009, and Brian and I decide that Logan's newly found independence and self-sufficiency gave us the itch for a new little bundle of squishiness. We started trying for another baby and we shocked when we got pregnant very quickly. On August 31, 2009 we found out we were pregnant. We were elated. I told Brian by giving him a shirt that said "Big Brother" for Logan to wear. Brian called his Dad and shared the good news. We visited my family and happily told them of our pending addition with Logan's new shirt. On September 7, 2009, I lost our baby. For one week, I knew I had a child growing inside of me. I began to bond with this baby. My baby. I had begun to wonder what he or she would look like? Would he or she look like Logan? How would they act together? I began to imagine dinners as a family of four, planning the baby room in my head, thinking of names, bedding, and probably most of all, holding my baby for the first time. I remember holding Logan for the first time and it is still so surreal to me that I remember it as a blur. For one week I planned my hopes and dreams for my developing baby. And in one moment it was all gone. I went from pregnant to not pregnant in a moment. I think for someone who has not endured this kind of loss, this feeling cannot be explained or imagined, because it is unimaginable. Just as I cannot imagine the grief of losing a child at birth, or later, I also couldn't have imagined the pain of losing a pregnancy, and here I was having to deal with it without any warning, or instruction on how. I began to recount every single thing I had done over the past five weeks trying to come up with an answer to "why?". Why me? Why Brian? Why Logan? After the year we had in our family this was a silver lining, and now here we were enduring more pain.
I allowed myself to grieve. I was sad, and mad, and okay some days. I began to reach acceptance, but still, the "why?" will never leave my heart. There is no good reason for a person to have to endure the loss of a baby. I had heard so many success stories of women getting pregnant in just the matter of weeks after a miscarriage. I put my faith and positive thoughts into that potential. Month after month I would hope and pray, only to be disappointed. Month after month I would watch other people around me get pregnant and share the news. I cannot express enough the feeling of being SO incredibly happy for someone else, but at the same time wondering... why not me? As I said before, I have known long before I became a Mother that my job in this world is to be a Mother. So here I was facing an issue of infertility. That in itself is hard to wrap my head around.
I met with my OB Doctor, started using a Fertility Monitor, followed all the rules...and still nothing. Then I found myself facing yet another miscarriage in January 2010. This time I was skeptical from the beginning because of the faintness of the line on the pregnancy test, and just the way my body felt. I knew there was something wrong, and only a day and a half after that test it was all over. This time was physically painful, and that really scared me. At this point I knew there was something wrong. Not just for this month, or this pregnancy, but with me.
I visited with my Doctor, and after some testing, it was evident that I will not be able to get pregnant, or stay pregnant at this point without some help. I have low progesterone which has caused me to bot be able to ovulate, and in the times I have ovulated and become pregnant, unable to sustain the pregnancy. This moment of realization was bitter-sweet for me. On one hand I was getting answers. On the other hand, I was now facing the word Infertility in a whole different light. This now meant that I would begin fertility drugs. Fertility drugs? I mean, I have already had a baby. I can HAVE a baby. Now I need fertility drugs?
Brian and I sat down and discussed the pros and cons. We discussed what the potential side effects of the Clomid could be - multiples (AHHHH!), potential for enlarged ovaries or overproduction of ovaries, increased moodiness, etc. We thought long and hard about the potential of twins, and what that would mean for our family. We decided that we would rather have two babies than no more babies, so the worry was gone.
So now... here we are. On day 10 of infertility treatment. I feel alright for the most part. A little bit of insomnia, a tad bit crabbier (just ask Brian), and overall optimistic about the road in front of us. I look at Logan with a little bit of pain in my heart when he asks me "Mommy baby in tummy yet?". Even at the age of two he knows that Mommy and Daddy have been dealing with some tough times with this. I can smile at him and tell him "soon honey", and hope that I am right.