Being a parent opens one up to a vulnerability unlike anything else can.  I mean, the worry starts when the pee stick shows two lines, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. I feel the baby move and grow inside of me, and when he is born there is no turning back.  Total and complete responsibility, full aching heart, throw-myself-in-front-of-a-moving-train love for this person. Any kind of pain to my children feels like a sledgehammer punch to the gut, and while I can generally handle whatever motherhood has thrown at me thus far, any potential wrench in my thoughts of my perfectly healthy children sends me into a complete swirl of not having the ability to digest the thoughts.

The first time I felt this way was when Logan was a wee-little newborn and I was doe-eyed staring at the Pediatrician listening to her words saying "Your baby isn't breathing properly and you need to take him to the ER".  It was as if she were speaking through a megaphone fog and sent me into a swirl of panic.  When Logan had his tooth injury was the second time, and with the twins, the entire time we were in the NICU after their birth was basically an extended punch to the gut. When I followed Cooper's ambulance to the hospital at 6 weeks old I was broken, and again today, as I listened to the Pediatrician tell me that Cooper needs to be seen at the UIHC to screen him for Hydrocephalus, I somehow found the ability to remain calm and together.  I am not calm and together.

I am reminded constantly that things are beyond my control. I find balance between faith and facts, even though it is challenging much of the time.

What I do know, is that the three wee little people that live in my house are my breath.

So we will wait for answers. We will wait to know whether we worried for nothing, or whether our lives will be just a little bit different.  I will breathe in these babies, one by one, smooching apple-shaped cheeks, tickling long, dark-brown eyelashes, rubbing soft wispy-haired heads, and the long locks of my eldest.  I will remember that I need to continuously ask for strength to endure the things that I cannot change, and will lean on the rock that is my husband. My baby-daddy, and a good one to boot.

So if you pray, pray. Send positive thoughts, affirmations, vibes, smoke signals, whatever it may be that you believe in. Send them to my Cooper's sweet head, and let's just hope that he is just a big-headed baby like his big brother.

Video Monday

This video seriously cracks my stuff up. 

Naptime

And here we are

EAT

I am really not sure how we have gotten this far already, but the babies are ready for some food. In fact, whenever we are eating, they are eyeballing it like nobody's business. So, alas, we busted out the bibs, baby spoons, babywipes (for cleanup, of course), and I found an organic brown rice cereal that I like.  I didn't know if we would even go the rice cereal route with the twins, as we barely did with Logan.  However, much to my chagrin, I decided it would be a nice test to see if the babies would even like anything other than breastmilk.  The cereal I found has pre and probiotics in it, along with DHA and Omega-3's, so worst case scenario they get some vitamins outta the ordeal. Brain-food people. Win.

Low and behold, they enjoyed. Bon appetit!

It was a hit.  So today we went to New Pioneer Co-op and got some yummy veggies and fruits to make some purees.  I made all of Logan's babyfood and found it to be super easy, and super fun.  Plus, the kid will eat pretty much anything now, so I think it was a wise choice. 

My mom got me the Beaba Babycooker when I was pregnant with the twins, and my friend Destinee got me the matching freezer pods. Good people, they are. Time to get to work! 

Parker and Cooper will be dining on fresh avocado-breastmilk smoothies tonight, which will require no cooking, pureeing, steaming or jar opening.  Just cut and smash.  Baby guacamole. Ole! 

But to prepare for the next few weeks, I whipped up some sweet potatoes, acorn squash, mango, and pears. For $1.27 (the price of one organic LARGE sweet potato) I got the equivalent of 8 jars of baby food. 

Step one, peel. Step two, dice. Step three, steam. Step four, puree (IN THE SAME CONTAINER!). Step five, freeze.  This machine is so awesome that it also defrosts and heats the purees. If only it could do the dishes and put away laundry 

I would marry it. 

How yummy does this look? The taste was amazing. Naturally sweet, vibrant color, smooth and creamy.  

Easy peasy, lemon squeezey.

Happy dining bambinos! 

(Avocado pictures to follow)

Whoops.

I've created a monster. An I-will-not-nap-unless-I-am-suctioned-to-my-mommy-monster, who doesn't yet answer to the name Cooper. I just couldn't help it. I know it's all my fault but the Coop and I are two peas in a pod when it comes to our snuggle quota.  I mean, Parker loves him a good snuggle with mama, and Logan will snuggle when his three-year-old self feels like it, but Cooper.... he would live on my chest 24 hours a day if he could.  So our routine has been to put the big kids down for nap, nurse Parker to sleep and into the swing he goes where is snuggles his hand underneath his head, and Cooper and I snuggle into the big chair.  At first I was just soaking up a couple of days of this... then it turned into a couple of weeks... and now it is so routine that, if I am not here, the boy doesn't nap. I learned that this past weekend when I was out running errands during afternoon naptime and Cooper refused to nap. Just put his foot down and refused. Whoopsy. I tried to switch it up - Cooper in the swing, and Parker on my chest, just to make it even, but Parker missed the sheepskin fabric of his swing against his cheek, and Cooper... well, Cooper was just downright pissed.  So, here we are:

I guess I will have to fix this someday, but as for now... I think I need this each day just as much as he does. 

June 8th

A year ago today we had our first prenatal appointment. It was exciting for many reasons. It was our first "fun" OB appointment in almost a year. Going to the OB office when you are trying-to-conceive is not exactly what I would describe as enjoyable. Sitting in a room full of round-bellied women when your uterus is as empty as can be can be downright excruciating, actually.  But, June 8th, I was one of those round-bellied mamas. Seriously, my pants didn't fit. I had a bump. Already. At 7 weeks pregnant. I was unbelievably nervous. I was nervous that something was wrong, because after dealing with miscarriage, that thought is always there. I was nervous that there would be twins. Five percent.  That was our chance of having twins on Clomid. Five. Percent. Dr. Wenzel looked at my progesterone level of 33 and said "Wow, that's good. Like, twins good". 

"hahahahaha", we all chuckled. "wouldn't that be interesting". 

That was moments before we saw THIS! 

I do have a regret. I regret not videotaping this moment.  Man, it was surreal. Totally, completely, life-changingly, unbelievably, holy-shit surreal. I was shaking, Brian and Logan were sitting to my left, the Ultrasound to my right, and I just looked at Dr. Wenzel's smiling face as she said "Yep, it's twins! You are having twins!".  Twins. Brian almost threw up. I laughed, and cried, and laughed some more.  Afterwards I went to the front desk to make my next appointment and I pulled out the reel of ultrasound pictures and showed them to the receptionist saying "I am having twins" and I laughed, and I cried some more. 

I called my mom first, who didn't answer, so Stacey got to be the first one to hear the announcement.  She was about a week postpartum from having Jack, so I really think she was more scared for me than anything! Telling my mom was funny, and included a few expletives. From there, everyone we told had equally amazing and hysterical responses, and honestly, next to birthing my children, telling people our news was one of the highlights of my life. 

The next time we saw our twinkies they looked like this

 And then this

 And this!

 And then like this

From this

 To this!

Cool

And he really is. 

I have so much "in que" to write about this kid.  Like how his new thing is to give us a thumbs up instead of saying yes.  Like how he kisses his brothers on their sweet little heads about 87678 times a day, and about how each time he does it, he is more proud than I ever could have imagined.  Like how freaking smart he is, and how he amazes me.  He is so, so sassy and BOSSY, but at the end of the day he is sensitive and sweet and regardless of his sass he loves his friends, his mommy and daddy, his grandparents, and most of all, his brothers.  And chocolate.  He yells for "football" (his plush little lovie) as if the rattle is going to yell back "Here I am!".  The Coolest, this kid.